Well, damn. I feel like I blew another interview.

Going into this, I already knew that there was still so much for me to learn, but damn! I didn’t know the gaps in my knowledge were so wide. I’ve been working as a software engineer (really a web developer for web apps, but that’s another story) since September 21, 2015. It is now May 18, 2016 and that makes it a total of 8 months and a software engineer.

It makes me sad to admit it, but my knowledge since I’ve graduated has probably gone down. It takes me a while to program simple algorithms that, when I was in school, I could answer rather quickly. It’s a difficult reality to face, but the work I’ve been doing does not practice those skills that I once had and my motivation and drive to challenge myself comes in waves.

At times, I can be so motivated, and in a minute the feeling flees. Logically, I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, and I know that I am capable. Emotionally, I lose heart, I lose passion, I lose myself. I am so moved by my own emotions and feelings, it hinders me. It stops me in my tracks. It kills me slowly  and surely. What is it? What do I need to do to stabilize my emotions? To not be so goddamn emotional?

I am a logical person. I can think and reason objectively. I am an emotional person. I feel deeply, and express greatly. I would like to be logic/reason driven, but I know that I am emotionally driven. It’s so difficult for me to let logic take the wheel. I know that it all boils down to me and my decisions and deciding what I have to do to make my life good.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

This feeling of defeat. It hurts, but I cannot let it break me. Passion does not drive excellence. Excellent work drives excellence. It is up to me to make the right decisions. To do what I need to do to make the life that I want. To carve my path, chase my dreams, accomplish my goals, fulfill my life’s purpose.

God, I need help.


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