Reflection

Well, damn. I feel like I blew another interview.

Going into this, I already knew that there was still so much for me to learn, but damn! I didn’t know the gaps in my knowledge were so wide. I’ve been working as a software engineer (really a web developer for web apps, but that’s another story) since September 21, 2015. It is now May 18, 2016 and that makes it a total of 8 months and a software engineer.

It makes me sad to admit it, but my knowledge since I’ve graduated has probably gone down. It takes me a while to program simple algorithms that, when I was in school, I could answer rather quickly. It’s a difficult reality to face, but the work I’ve been doing does not practice those skills that I once had and my motivation and drive to challenge myself comes in waves.

At times, I can be so motivated, and in a minute the feeling flees. Logically, I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, and I know that I am capable. Emotionally, I lose heart, I lose passion, I lose myself. I am so moved by my own emotions and feelings, it hinders me. It stops me in my tracks. It kills me slowly  and surely. What is it? What do I need to do to stabilize my emotions? To not be so goddamn emotional?

I am a logical person. I can think and reason objectively. I am an emotional person. I feel deeply, and express greatly. I would like to be logic/reason driven, but I know that I am emotionally driven. It’s so difficult for me to let logic take the wheel. I know that it all boils down to me and my decisions and deciding what I have to do to make my life good.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

This feeling of defeat. It hurts, but I cannot let it break me. Passion does not drive excellence. Excellent work drives excellence. It is up to me to make the right decisions. To do what I need to do to make the life that I want. To carve my path, chase my dreams, accomplish my goals, fulfill my life’s purpose.

God, I need help.

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Work-Life Balance

So, before we get into things, a quick update.tumblr_o6ottqPZ2P1qzh4nao1_1280These came in today! 🙂

Things at my company are going well. Doing my best to push myself to be a better software engineer and become a more valuable asset to my company. Now, this is not only for them, but for myself. I know that I am competent, capable, and skilled; I just need to keep improving, growing, and honing my skills.

Now, onto some other shit…

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Diligence,Analysis Paralysis, and Deliverables

For quite some time I have been doing so much, but nothing at all as well. I’ve been telling people of my dreams, what I want to accomplish and have been reading so fucking much. I mean, I read entrepreneurial articles, I read about the current conditions of software engineers and software developers, I read about Jon Skeet being the Chuck Norris of OS, I read whatever I can get my hands on. I even started listening to tons of podcasts! Driving to work, at work, driving home, doesn’t matter, I got my podcasts on. With all these new resources, I realized that I am a victim of analysis paralysis.

…I am a victim of analysis paralysis.

Now if you don’t know what analysis paralysis is, it is something that happens when you really want to do something that you do shit tons of research and you begin to psyche yourself out of doing it. I just googled it because I think I didn’t explain it is as well as I’d hoped.

Analysis paralysis or paralysis by analysis is an anti-pattern, the state of over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome.

There it is guys, the definition of analysis paralysis. Now this isn’t the first time it’s happened to me and I also know that I am not the only one who has ever experienced its death grip when I am trying to do something new. I’m sure we all have felt this way before, and if you haven’t….well, fuck you, buddy. Lol.

Anyways, if there is one thing I can say about analysis paralysis is that there is only one way to get over it and that is to just fuckin’ do it. Seriously, just fuckin’ do it. You will have to fight yourself in the midst of whatever you are doing and you are most likely going to realize your biggest fear that you produce absolute crap, but you can be happy that you produced anything at all. If you give in to that little fucking demon you wouldn’t have produced anything at all and you would feel even more shitty. Might as well feel slight shitty with a small piece of crap product than full blown 100 percent shitty with no product at all! Right?

Seriously, just fuckin’ do it.

I think that’s why this post is rightly titled so. Diligence, analysis paralysis, and deliverables. (I’m almost sure I am using that word in the incorrect context, but I think my professors would be glad that I’m using it at all!)

So, back to the topic. You have to be diligent in your resolve to accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish. If you find yourself in the evil clutches of analysis paralysis, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and dive into whatever it is your going to do and just fuckin’ do it! You’ll be happy you did! And that shitty little crappy thing that you produced will be your prized possession because you know that it is the product of that one time you almost didn’t do anything, and that is pretty fucking sweet.

So, to you my friends, rage on!